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     An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

      "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and. . . OH MY GOODNESS!". . . .

     Silence followed. Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, "You should see the front of my pants!"

     A passenger in coach yelled loudly, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

     A Couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

     The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

     Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

     The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

Upon entering the little country store, a customer noticed a sign saying
"DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post
that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

"I despise salesmen," Matilda informed her Aunt Harriet.
"Especially house-to-house salesmen."
"Why?" inquired Aunt Harriet.
"because I hate being cheated".
"I have bought brushes. and cosmetics from salesmen and I haven't had any problems," said Aunt Harriet."
"Well, I have been sold too many useless and worthless things. A vacuum cleaner that blows instead of sucks, an electric heater that shorts out the fuses, a set of stainless steel pots and pans that rast.... "
"Is that why you have the sign outside, SALESMEN NOT ALLOWED!?"
"Yes, that sign is the only practical thing I ever bought from a salesman!"

THE MULE

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspecion of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes it was.'

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. He's all booked up for the year.'"

The Expriment

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?"

Coolly, the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!"

A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him -

"I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth".

The guy looks at him and says - "sure you can, let me go nearby to my business and get you a pair. When he returns the speaker tried them

"Too loose" he said.

The man reaches again then says, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,

"Too tight." "Ok!, the guy says, "I have one more pair... try these."


The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"

With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and to thank the new-found friend that just saved him. "I want to thank you for coming to may aid, said the dinner speaker... Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
"Dentist? replies the guy... I'm no Dentist... I'm the undertaker!"

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

A yong woman had a date with a circus sword swallower. She had never seen a sword swallower before, so she asked him to perform for her. He began swallowing some pins and needles.

"Those aren't swords," said the girl. "They are just pines and needles."

"I know," said the sword swallower. "But I'm on a diet."